Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
