i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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