Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
