my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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