he wants to bone in the snuggie
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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