I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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