just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
