you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I currently don't understand fingers.
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