Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
