I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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