I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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