he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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