my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
