I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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