Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
