your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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