It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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