I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can I color on your dick again?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
