my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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