Duck Duck Cougar?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
