So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
