I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize