I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
