Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
