JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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