hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I smell like Dick and happiness
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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