I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
