Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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