last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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