my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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