wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
