so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
