someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
