I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
