I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
