i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
