She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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