Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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