i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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