She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
