my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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