im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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