So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
