So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
