I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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