she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
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