it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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