just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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