Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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