Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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